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Nelson at Trafalgar 2016

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  • Nelson at Trafalgar 2016

    Nelson at Trafalgar 2016!!!
    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Nelson (reading aloud): " . England expects every person to do his or her
    duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
    or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
    employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors,
    lest it be considered racist."
    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
    working environments."
    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
    brace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
    Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full
    speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    stretch of water."
    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
    they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
    there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
    environment for the differently abled."
    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
    to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
    the disability card."
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
    areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
    crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
    in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
    to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
    with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid
    lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
    According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
    stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
    sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
    Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
    Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
    and the lash?"
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    corporal punishment."
    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir"
    Nelson: "In that case, kiss me Hardy :wink::wink::wink::wink: