Why Our Society Is Ageist

**FriedaKateM** · 1st August 2011, 20:42

My young friend, Lila, who just celebrated her 57th birthday, told me that her mother, Elizabeth, was reluctant to see her friends anymore because, as Lila said, "She wanted them to remember her as she used to be."

How sad. Elizabeth is only 83, and is quite healthy by my standards. I will be 94 in February, 2012; I can't walk more than one block without running out of air, and I take lots of pain killers to ease arthritical pain. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I see an old face, but one with a vibrant look of curiosity in the eyes. With the help of a caregiver, I take a hot shower every morning and gratefully accept my caregiver's help in putting on my clothes, especially my stretch stockings. I do some exercises recommended by my physical therapist.

Whenever the pain lets up, we go to the local Y and I walk in the water, use an underwater bicycle and soak in the spa. That's the physical routine. Since I'm a writer, and a retired teacher, I've signed up for two play writing groups and I go to plays and concerts. I discuss politics vigorously with other activist friends. Once in a while I cook for friends, for my son and his wife. My grandchildren are off doing their thing; I like my life!

Why does Elizabeth fear old age? Why does anyone? There is a strange conflation in our American society between growing old and becoming infirm. And there seems to be a sense of shame connected with infirmity, in spite of all the wheelchair accommodations in our streets and the electrically propelled chairs whizzing along the sidewalks and the streets. It's this sense of shame that I don't understand. It isn't as if the ageing process was something we could control and/or manage. Bicycle, motorcycle and automobile accidents render people of any age infirm and dependent upon all kinds of physical support to be mobile. Are we ashamed of becoming crippled in any way? I think we are. Political correctness phrases like "Otherwise enabled" don't really fool anyone, least of all a person in a wheelchair or on crutches or someone walking with a cane. The "crippled ones" know how they feel; they know how debilitating pain really is, and they know how difficult it is to stay mobile.

Any self-image that prevents people like Elizabeth from engaging fully with life is a destructive self-image. Conversely, it's when we engage fully with life that we find ourselves enjoying that engagement. We feel satisfaction. If we accept someone else's image of us as true, it becomes true, no matter how damaging or uplifting. If that image doesn't conform to one that satisfies us, we slowly destroy our own possibilities.

There are many societies where deformed or crippled children are hidden, because the parents feel ashamed that they have birthed an imperfect child. Some societies encourage infanticide, yet at the same time revere the ones who survive to old age. Whether the old ones are revered or not, the fact that they have survived the hazards of living makes sure that they are often regarded with awe and respect by other members of their society. In South Korea, anyone living up to and beyond the age of sixty, becomes automatically wise. There are special ceremonies celebrating this achievement, memorialized in paintings resembling great feasts. The celebration is especially important for women, who become liberated from societal restrictions once they reach the venerable age of sixty. In that society, living past the age of forty or fifty is remarkable; in the United States, living past 100 used to be worthy of a signed letter from the president.

When I lived in South Korea about 30 years ago, I noticed that women over the age of sixty felt encouraged to go into business for themselves, and in general seemed to be happier than the under-60-year-olds. When we learn that aging is not a societal disease, it may quietly disappear. When I was thirty-two, I had a serious skiing accident, and had to wear a steel brace for almost a year. I recovered mobility, but I think my body never forgot that serious injury. I thought of myself as accomplished physically and it is now difficult for me to concede that I qualify as truly disabled. I am learning new ways of living; I am learning to accept my physical limitations, and to live within them. It's not easy, but then my life has not been easy, either.

I think we need to accept ageing as a necessary process, not as a disease. Aging is a process that begins with birth, and does not need to be conflated with infirmity.

Rhoda P. Curtis is the author of "Rhoda: Her First Ninety Years," a candid memoir of a first-generation American woman who was willing to change the direction of her life every twelve years, and "After Ninety: What." Read her blog on Red Room.

~~~~~~According to the philosopy of South Korea, I've become WISE automatically~~~~& so have a lot of us!!! Have a good day!

Joan (and I say it's great that I still am incredibly curious!!!)

**Glesgalass** · 2nd August 2011, 01:25

Joan, I think it all comes down to a persons attitude to life, whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. Whether you see the glass half full or half empty. My partner, John, annoys me at times with his pessimistic attitude and lack of interest in new things. I'm the exact opposite and always willing to try something new. In my mind, even if my body doesn't agree, I'm still 18, but a lot wiser....

I will be 67 in February.
When I turned 60, my son said to me, "Just think Mum, in 10 years you'll be 70." and I replied to him," and you'll be 42." That made him laugh as he hadn't thought of it from that angle.

Elda

**Caledonian** · 3rd August 2011, 08:17

FriedaKateM

I enjoyed reading your post, truly an inspiration to us all. I suppose it’s true what they say; you are as old as you feel.

Having a positive attitude is crucial and I hope that when you do get old you won’t lose it. Long may your lum reek, as they say.

**FriedaKateM** · 3rd August 2011, 15:32

Caledonian....I appreciate your thinking that I'm NOT old. However, I am, say, a bit younger than Ranald, & a bit older than Alastair, and roughly same as 1938Observer/Gordon, I think. And what exactly does it mean...."and long may your lum reek?" I am not a Scot, except sort of. Have Scottish cousins in Aberdeen, used to in St. Andrews. I lived in England for 3 years, many eons ago, when my dad was stationed in East Anglia, at RAF Stn Bentwaters. I have been to Scotland. This was when I was late teen to 20. Am a tad bit older than that now. Good to see you following the forum!!! Joan

**Caledonian** · 3rd August 2011, 19:48

What I meant to convey, and I’m sorry if I’m making a mess of it, was that you seem to be as positive and optimistic in outlook as ever you were, and getting involved in all sorts of activities, a state of mind that will hopefully keep the excesses generally perceived to be associated with old age far into the future for you.

‘Long may your lum reek’ literally means: “Long may your chimney smoke”

It was a tradition in Scotland when one went first footing at Hogmanay “visiting on New Year’s Eve” to offer a lump of coal. The saying expresses the hope that their fire many never go out, that you wish the host long life and happiness.

I’m trying my best to follow the forum but its hard work keeping up with you guys.

**Alastair** · 3rd August 2011, 20:33

I have a good old Scottish Toast at http://www.electricscotland.com/life...tish_toast.htm

Alastair

**FriedaKateM** · 3rd August 2011, 21:50

Thanks to Alastair for the toast, I liked the colorful painting surrounding the mouse & graphics.

Caledonian, not sure from what you write, but I am NOT the person who actually wrote the ageism article....she is a 94 year old woman/author named Rhoda P. Curtis, and she's sold two books. Some of that is actually in her article. I just copied it & posted it for our community to read. I think, considering some of my actual work that have done in my life, that senior citizens should be more revered than what they are in our society.

On the other hand, I believe that for a newcomer to our site, that you're doing famously!!! It's really a lot of fun, once you figure out who's who, etc. I like the site in particular, as I've missed the voices of the world, since have traveled extensively in the past. We have a lot of Americans, a load of Canadians, people from Australia, Scotland, North of England, Tasmania, etc., etc.

It just dawned on me, after reading your posting again....as children at Christmas time, we were told that IF we were bad, we'd get "a lump of coal" in our stockings. Soooo...that must have come from that Scot tradition as you stated.

"Keep on trucking" as they say in some states....& don't despair!! Joan

**Caledonian** · 4th August 2011, 11:54

I am truly sorry. The impression I got from the post was that you wrote it. I had visions of a 94 year old lady, an ex-teacher, annoyed with her friends for giving up the will to live and confined to an old folk’s reservation where she is terrified of going out for fear of the other inmates running her down as they whiz by on their electrically powered wheelchairs.

Thank you for putting me right and again, my apologies.

A nice toast there Alastair, can’t recall having heard it before. I think posting it here helped to smooth things over as I am struggling to extricate myself from a terrible faux pas.