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Terror Alerts

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  • Terror Alerts

    This has been around for a while, but for anyone who hasn't seen it...

    European Terror Alerts

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when supplies of Custard Creams almost ran out.
    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used in the front lines of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish mariners can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
    They are currently testing their new tanks which have four gears; three reverse - and one forward (in case they are ever attacked from the rear.)

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

    And in the southern hemisphere...

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being some teenagers flying remote-controlled model aeroplanes and the navy some yachts in Waitemata Harbour), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, Oi hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".
    It is unlikely that New Zealand would be able to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently deployed playing orcs in the upcoming Hobbit movie.
    In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "We might need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.